Monday, May 28, 2007

Lost for Words...

So with the moving into the new house, I get first choice of rooms. Then my brother gets second choice. The one that neither of us chooses will become the guest room. And...In my eyes, that means that room is my gramma's room...But apparently nobody else sees it like that. The way it's all setup right now, she has the smallest room, upstairs (meaning more walking to go to the bathroom than anybody else in the house), furthest from my and my bro's room (and the whole reason she comes is too see us). And this is how my dad justifies this.

"I don't see her living much longer"

God damn. He keeps saying that he wants us to know, so we can accept the reality. Yeah, I accepted when I was 8, and my days were split between hoping she was alive and fearing she was dead. And now I get reminded every single time we talk abuot her.


I need...something to happen. Someone to say something to me at the wrong time, wrong place. I need to yell, and release all the worries, let my rage just explode and destroy them. Yeah, shards of regret will be scattered around the floor, but I can deal with that. I just hate worrying about everyword I say, everything I do, I hate being afriad of nothing, and I hate it more when there is actually something to be afriad. I'm sick of hopes that crash and burn, explode. The roars of fire turning to laughs and mockery. I want to be free of all of this.


Sunday, May 27, 2007

Kenzie's Haiku

glance to backward lands,
looking for duller grasses,
asking, were we right?
Lol sorry...but it was on her page, and I feel in love with it. It's so insanely true. Well ya, I gave u the credit for it, so yea.

Thursday, May 24, 2007


“One of these days,
I will capture the moments when our eyes collide,
Grab them, churn them, melt them, mold them.
I will weave a pair of weightless wings.
We will wear them, we will fly.

Fate will be the force beneath or wings.
In every cloud we will see our future
And in the clear blue sky, our possibilites.
Every sunset will reflect our beauty,
And in the darkest of starry, midnight skies, the gods will carve our faces,
Luminescent, shining proudly, for all the world to see.”

Lol yeah...tell me if you like it(its the finished version of that other one)...or not, or w/e. And also, I need one of those alias names like other people do. Like how JK Rowling's name is like something different, and stuff. I need one. Lol.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007


Eww, I checked out this online teenpoetry fails so bad. There all love or suicide. I hate it. And there all the same, no sense of style watsoever. The only ones that stand out are the freeverse, that really are just paragraphs in stanzas. Absolustley defiling the art of poetry, lmao. Sooo lame.


I give so much, in the hopes of gain,
The possiblility of it being worth the while,
And now, Oh god how sad is now
My triumphs are tales of shame, anecdotes at best
Whose purpose seems to be just to be a joke
Just to earn a chuckle
My ponderous wanderings, my walks into the dark
Amount to a half second ridicule
Here this minite, gone the next
Theres no way around it, lets not dress it up
That was my sacrifice, that was all


I'm not liking it...

There's jsut way too much happening..and how can it even be possible that everything is happening at once. Shouldn't time be like "Oh Shiot, lemme slow down a bit before Brian trips over all that crap hanging over his shoulders"
Yes, I am that panicky and stressed, time needs to slow down soley for me. Lmao.
Just, my god, life is just not working.
I feel like a failure, like one day I'm gonna wake up, and I'll have missed everything
All these choices and responsibilities, all these small tests of strength. I'm gonna be so busy dealing with all of them, not one will be finished, and when I finally do get around to it, it won't even matter.
I'm not liking this

Monday, May 21, 2007

Lol Another Shakepeare Moment...

I pray you, do not fall in love with me,
For I am falser than vows made in wine.
-Shakespeare (As You Like It)


Upside to being sick

Today, there were several times when I would cough up flem/lugee/whatever you call it. And I just thought..."I coughed that shit up, thus there is less of it in my body". It had a purpose. It played its small role in me eventually getting better. Not like other shit, "I go to school, thus I learned and became smarter".


Seriously though, I how sad is it that I'm so desperate for meaning, that see it in my fever.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

God damn

Why the hell did my have to ever come back. I didn't miss him. I didn't fucking care that he was gone. But now that he is, Idk what changed in him, he's such a bitch. And god damn, I can't even begin to describe...

And I totally blew my audition..and...if i don;t get into to beacon of light in this place where I am, where everything is just another expected dissapointment, with this, I thought I would succeed...and now that feeling.......I just can't handle this. I don't want to be alive

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Sweet are the uses of Adversity

The Adversity: Having no food because my brother ate it before he left to god knows where, and Shellie being totally unreachable. My cries of distress go unheard (How sad!)

The Sweetness: I walk to Vons, and by a Smoke Stack sandwich, some california rolls, something to drink that is not water, and some really odd tasting Baskin Robbin hard candies. I have gained a wonderful dinner, and the overall good sensation of accomplishment.

Cheers to me.


Sunday, May 6, 2007

And just..

This whole thing...I'm actually genuinly sad. Actually sad. Not gloomy or depressed or any other fancy word for it. Just sad.

I Wish..

I wish I wasn't so...
I don't know the words to describe it, but it's about my cello...
Part of me wants to return it, part of me can't bear to part with it
Part of me knows that theres too many minor issues, and part of me knows that I'm just over reacting each and everyone
Part me knows I'll never be completely happy with it, while another knows how I feel when I play it, and knows it's the best one I've ever played
Part of me thinks its great, but part of me thinks it's only because I'm comparing it to an ancient school-owned relic.

All of these, I don't know how to make sense of it, and I don't even know how to react to it. Why do I care so much? It's not like it will ever matter, and it's not like I can't live without. It's just something I want. Some fragile desire that I can never be sure will still be there in the morning. But yet...It's strong enough to make sacrifice so much.

I need that cello guy to help me's just too big a choice for me to make on my own. I hope he comes to the school soon...I just hate it because...if I return it, where am I going to find something else for the same price...That wretched store I was thinking about before agitates me to no end...but...maybe it will do...

The thing is, I just really need to know if it is good or not. That's pretty much it, I just don't want to have a $1600 set of crap that gives me problems in a month. But also...I've waited for so long, I feel like if I don't keep it, this will never happen again.

The world really shouldn't care abuot this, so I don't know why I posted. But really...It's tearing me up inside.

Life was going so good too