Sunday, November 4, 2007

Been a while..

So, I think I'm gonna start using this thing again, and I think I should finally say somethings that I've had on my mind.
This whole pending divorce thing thats happening right now, I have no idea how to feel about it. First, I know I was just generally apathetic. She came into my life, and she'd be leaving, just that easy, just that simple. But then I got to thinking. Fuck man, divorce really sucks. Shellie left her home country, to come live with this man that for some inexplicable reason, she just completely fell in love with. She left her seriously ill, diabetic father, and only sees her family once a year, for this man. And now what is she left with. She can't even have people over, unless she's willing to tell them the reason why she's sleeping in the little room next to the master bedroom. She planned to start a new life here, with her masters degree in English, and now its gonna all be thrown away.
I guess it really hit me when one day I was mad that she couldn't give me a ride somewhere. I said "So your job is more important than your son?" and she said "Look, I need to the money." And I remember the tone in her vioce. Desperation. It shut me up pretty damn quick.
I dont even know how I'm supposed to respond to everthing thats happening. We're becoming even less and less of a family everyday. I won't even be having a Thanksgiving dinner this year, Dad's giong to mexico, and Shellies going with her friend to somewhere. Which leaves me...I dont even know.
I don't even know.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


It's really funny...just last night I was thinking about how much different life would be if my mom hadn't died.

Well, anyway, at dinner thats where the conversation ended up. My dad was talking about how when Sharon was pregnant with me, I was the most perfect child ever. Lol, and when I came out, I would sleep...and I just made everything so easy. My brother on the other hand...she had said she thought Kevin was playing football in there, he just wouldn't stop...And later after he was born, I guess when he was about 2-3, he would never go to sleep, and eventually they would just let him come and sleep with them. At one point they got scared that something was wrong, and they asked a doctor what to do. And he said...they would just have to go through it, and not let him come into their bed, so that Kevin would learn how to sleep on his own. Lol, Kevin didn't like that thenext three weeks, every night between eleven and one, he would come and bang on their door. And when he went unanswered...he would bang his head. For hours at a time for 3 weeks, this toddler would be banging his head against the door, and they couldn't do anything.

So that got me all sappy, and all like "Awww, look what they had to go through, they must have reallty loved eachother". Then...

Then, he started talking about the death. It was the middle of the night...fifteen years from tommorow. One of the arteries in her heart burst, and the blood filled her lungs. Then all the gas left her body, pretty much one giant burp. And what brother (he was sleeping in their bed that night), nudged my dad, and said "Mommy make noise", and he rushed to the hospital.

When my dad came back, Kevin came running up to him. Full on running. And my dad looked him in the eye, and said "Your mom is dead, and she's never coming back." Yeah, the most difficult moment of his life. He almost cried when he was telling us right now (I don't really know why, because that's the one part that he's actually talked about before)

So, for the next....I don't know long, Kevin wouldn't let anyone near anything of my mom's. Nobody sat at her seat at the table, no one took the cups she used to drink from. Well anyway, one day, it was 8 months after the death, my dad calls my gramma, and says "Hey mom, how are you?" And kevin, on the couch, jumped off, fell off the couch, and ran to the phone, with a smile that nobody had seen since that day. He thought his mother was on the phone. And...that's where my Dad couldn't talk anymore, just cry.


So later, my gramma was saying how I'm so much like my mom. Calm. Rarely get my emotions all wound up. Whereas Kevin, was almost entirely my Dad.

And then I got to thinking. If my gramma is the way she is, and I'm like my Mom...she must have been a really great person. And then I thought about how two days ago, we were going through this box of her things. She liked to sew. And Knit, and that kinda stuff. She made a couple of those framed pictures made of threads and stuff...I wanna keep one, But i dont know where I could put it. And I guess my gramma wants it more.

Idk...I wish I just knew more about my family. I don't know what she looked like; we have pictures, but we never look at them. I really wish I could have seen her growing up. With my gramma and everybody. And to see her, and my aunt, and my gramma when they were all in the same house, at their home. My grampa died before I was born, and my dad never let me go to any of the family reunions. So I know two aunts and gramma. Thats 3, out of a family of...well, the roster for the family reunion this year, was 2 1/2 pages long. So....I know like...less than 10 percent.

Not kool.

Not kool at all...

Wednesday, July 4, 2007


My god...I've been so happy. I really, really have, like I haven't been in such a long time. And all of it means nothing. At all.

My dad came home from Germany today. Me, Kevin, and my gramma all did the whole hug and greet routine, and then he went upstairs. Within moments, the argument starts. Part of me was wondering what they were fighting about, what was so important that they needed to fight about it so soon after his arrival, but the stronger part of me really didn't care. I just wanted them to stop. Soon it elevated to a point where when I was talking to my gramma sitting across the table, I couldnt hear her. Just the rambles and random idiocies spewing from the whore upstairs.

I hoped she was blessed with the deafness that normally came with old age. She tries so hard to be able to come out here during the summer, and she could spend the time with her sister, my Aunt Rosa, who treats her like a queen. Always ready to do whatever, go wherever, if she so desired. But no, for some reason I still ponder, she's here. Summer after summer, winter after winter, she is here.

And you know what is ruining everything. Shellie. Just her. Really, every single god damn thing is traced back to her. So when she called me to work in the kitchen, I muttered "I Hate You" under my breath, and couldn't will myself to move. She came again, and with great reluctance, my joints bent, and I went to the kitchen.

Interesting how today is the first day she's cooked since my dad left for Germany. And how funny is it that my dad thought he straightened that problem out. "Even when hes not here, you still need to keep up that ruse of motherhood." I wish I could say that. But its funny, because I often do. I always say "A mother is supposed to__________" but then, she just says "I dont have to do anything." What-fucking-ever.

When I forgot to set the table just right now, she came into my room and roared, "What are you doing, what makes you think you have to set the table?" Have I ever mentioned, I FUCKING HATE THE WAY SHE SPEAKS TO ME. LIKE I'M A FUCKING INFANT WHO NEEDS TO BE REMINDED OF EVERY FUCKING THING. GOD FUCKING SHIT, WORDS DO NOT DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I HATE IT. How much my temperature rises when I begin to think about her words. Gah.

What I was trying to say before that new thread of anger consumed me, was that I hate her system of everything. How I'm assigned to do everything. When she's here, everything is a rigid structure of unneeded rules, really only beneficial to her. When she was gone, it was just my gramma and I, and sometimes my brother, everything just worked. We would go into the kitchen, sometimes the table was set, and if it wasn't, we would just go do it. Not under compliance with any form of rule, just because it had to be done. Perfect balance of everything. It just worked. Everything, just worked. It's the same way when we're here with my dad. But no, heaven forbid Shellie might have to contribute to that system, the universal good. She's a person who will only do work, if they know that it will get them out of doing something else. God damn. I hate it. I'm sick of it. We all are.

And she wonders why instead of donating the other half of my bunkbed to Goodwill, my dad decided to put it to use, giving Shellie her own room. Because he's disgusted with him self for waking up next to her in the mornings.

I just want her to go.


Thursday, June 28, 2007


I hate him
And I know I shouldn't
And I know its wrong
But it doesnt matter
God damn I hate him

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Shes coming...

Today my gramma was supposed to come and stay with us, but her flight was delayed, so she just stayed with my aunt for the night. I'm....I'm glad shes coming, but...I wish she could come later. I dont want her to see this. In the house, theres sumthing that just not quite home, and I'm embarrased to show it.
I don't want her to see me at the pit of my musical endeavors
I dont want her to see me as a recede to the backseat position of Vice President
I dont want her to see me while I try to patch up friendships, as I try to figure what is worth my time, who is worth my time
I dont want her to see me while I'm cynical and angry
I dont want her to see my disdain for my music program
I dont want her to see my desperate hopes of love, of my future, of direction

I don't want her back until things are perfect like they once where. Really she deserves it, and its breaking my heart that I cant give it...

Monday, May 28, 2007

Lost for Words...

So with the moving into the new house, I get first choice of rooms. Then my brother gets second choice. The one that neither of us chooses will become the guest room. And...In my eyes, that means that room is my gramma's room...But apparently nobody else sees it like that. The way it's all setup right now, she has the smallest room, upstairs (meaning more walking to go to the bathroom than anybody else in the house), furthest from my and my bro's room (and the whole reason she comes is too see us). And this is how my dad justifies this.

"I don't see her living much longer"

God damn. He keeps saying that he wants us to know, so we can accept the reality. Yeah, I accepted when I was 8, and my days were split between hoping she was alive and fearing she was dead. And now I get reminded every single time we talk abuot her.


I need...something to happen. Someone to say something to me at the wrong time, wrong place. I need to yell, and release all the worries, let my rage just explode and destroy them. Yeah, shards of regret will be scattered around the floor, but I can deal with that. I just hate worrying about everyword I say, everything I do, I hate being afriad of nothing, and I hate it more when there is actually something to be afriad. I'm sick of hopes that crash and burn, explode. The roars of fire turning to laughs and mockery. I want to be free of all of this.


Sunday, May 27, 2007

Kenzie's Haiku

glance to backward lands,
looking for duller grasses,
asking, were we right?
Lol sorry...but it was on her page, and I feel in love with it. It's so insanely true. Well ya, I gave u the credit for it, so yea.

Thursday, May 24, 2007


“One of these days,
I will capture the moments when our eyes collide,
Grab them, churn them, melt them, mold them.
I will weave a pair of weightless wings.
We will wear them, we will fly.

Fate will be the force beneath or wings.
In every cloud we will see our future
And in the clear blue sky, our possibilites.
Every sunset will reflect our beauty,
And in the darkest of starry, midnight skies, the gods will carve our faces,
Luminescent, shining proudly, for all the world to see.”

Lol yeah...tell me if you like it(its the finished version of that other one)...or not, or w/e. And also, I need one of those alias names like other people do. Like how JK Rowling's name is like something different, and stuff. I need one. Lol.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007


Eww, I checked out this online teenpoetry fails so bad. There all love or suicide. I hate it. And there all the same, no sense of style watsoever. The only ones that stand out are the freeverse, that really are just paragraphs in stanzas. Absolustley defiling the art of poetry, lmao. Sooo lame.


I give so much, in the hopes of gain,
The possiblility of it being worth the while,
And now, Oh god how sad is now
My triumphs are tales of shame, anecdotes at best
Whose purpose seems to be just to be a joke
Just to earn a chuckle
My ponderous wanderings, my walks into the dark
Amount to a half second ridicule
Here this minite, gone the next
Theres no way around it, lets not dress it up
That was my sacrifice, that was all


I'm not liking it...

There's jsut way too much happening..and how can it even be possible that everything is happening at once. Shouldn't time be like "Oh Shiot, lemme slow down a bit before Brian trips over all that crap hanging over his shoulders"
Yes, I am that panicky and stressed, time needs to slow down soley for me. Lmao.
Just, my god, life is just not working.
I feel like a failure, like one day I'm gonna wake up, and I'll have missed everything
All these choices and responsibilities, all these small tests of strength. I'm gonna be so busy dealing with all of them, not one will be finished, and when I finally do get around to it, it won't even matter.
I'm not liking this

Monday, May 21, 2007

Lol Another Shakepeare Moment...

I pray you, do not fall in love with me,
For I am falser than vows made in wine.
-Shakespeare (As You Like It)


Upside to being sick

Today, there were several times when I would cough up flem/lugee/whatever you call it. And I just thought..."I coughed that shit up, thus there is less of it in my body". It had a purpose. It played its small role in me eventually getting better. Not like other shit, "I go to school, thus I learned and became smarter".


Seriously though, I how sad is it that I'm so desperate for meaning, that see it in my fever.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

God damn

Why the hell did my have to ever come back. I didn't miss him. I didn't fucking care that he was gone. But now that he is, Idk what changed in him, he's such a bitch. And god damn, I can't even begin to describe...

And I totally blew my audition..and...if i don;t get into to beacon of light in this place where I am, where everything is just another expected dissapointment, with this, I thought I would succeed...and now that feeling.......I just can't handle this. I don't want to be alive

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Sweet are the uses of Adversity

The Adversity: Having no food because my brother ate it before he left to god knows where, and Shellie being totally unreachable. My cries of distress go unheard (How sad!)

The Sweetness: I walk to Vons, and by a Smoke Stack sandwich, some california rolls, something to drink that is not water, and some really odd tasting Baskin Robbin hard candies. I have gained a wonderful dinner, and the overall good sensation of accomplishment.

Cheers to me.


Sunday, May 6, 2007

And just..

This whole thing...I'm actually genuinly sad. Actually sad. Not gloomy or depressed or any other fancy word for it. Just sad.

I Wish..

I wish I wasn't so...
I don't know the words to describe it, but it's about my cello...
Part of me wants to return it, part of me can't bear to part with it
Part of me knows that theres too many minor issues, and part of me knows that I'm just over reacting each and everyone
Part me knows I'll never be completely happy with it, while another knows how I feel when I play it, and knows it's the best one I've ever played
Part of me thinks its great, but part of me thinks it's only because I'm comparing it to an ancient school-owned relic.

All of these, I don't know how to make sense of it, and I don't even know how to react to it. Why do I care so much? It's not like it will ever matter, and it's not like I can't live without. It's just something I want. Some fragile desire that I can never be sure will still be there in the morning. But yet...It's strong enough to make sacrifice so much.

I need that cello guy to help me's just too big a choice for me to make on my own. I hope he comes to the school soon...I just hate it because...if I return it, where am I going to find something else for the same price...That wretched store I was thinking about before agitates me to no end...but...maybe it will do...

The thing is, I just really need to know if it is good or not. That's pretty much it, I just don't want to have a $1600 set of crap that gives me problems in a month. But also...I've waited for so long, I feel like if I don't keep it, this will never happen again.

The world really shouldn't care abuot this, so I don't know why I posted. But really...It's tearing me up inside.

Life was going so good too


Thursday, April 26, 2007


Blow, blow, thou winter wind..
Thou art not so unkind
As man's ingratitude.
Thy tooth is not so keen.
Because thou art not seen,
Although thy breath be rude.
Heigh-ho, sing heigh-ho, unto the green holly,
Most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly.
[Then] heigh-ho, the holly.
This life is most jolly.

Freeze, freeze, thou bitter sky,
That dost not bite so nigh
As benefits forgot.
Though thou waters warp,
Thy sting is not so sharp
As a friend remembered not.
Heigh-ho, sing heigh-ho, unto the green holly,
Most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly.
[Then] heigh-ho, the holly.
This life is most jolly.

Monday, April 16, 2007


From trying to keep up this peice of crap friendship. Everyday its the fricken same thing. The same drama, the same aggravation, the same hatred. As complicated as it once was, not anymore. Black white, embodiment of pure loathing, and yet everyday why am I the one who sits for hours concerned about it. When I KNOW that he doesn't care. In few fleeting moments sure he does. But not enough to make this worth it. Not nearly enough.

But then...Somedays, I just think...Maybe he keeps coming back for help...because I'm really all hes got besides his Gf. Idk, it's a theory, and I dont know if it's right, but..I'll just go by it.

WAIT! Fuck that, its his fault he pushed everyone away, wtf am I worrying about, my God, agh.


Sunday, April 15, 2007


Why am I allowing this stupid little thing to bother me. Just because they are both stupid fucktards, and I'm the one who feels guilty. I wish I hadn't said anything...although he used to be the friend I could say anything to...even if it was about it...Guess she changed that part of him too...


Ha...normally these kinda things...give me emotions to use for playing cello and crap...Guess thats a good thing.. becuase this just not happening. Period. I will fail. And burn. And Im gonna shrug it off like everything else. I really am waiting for the day something just breaks me. Almost eager for it actually. I need to be relieved. I need to be back on vacation. In that weird house, with the..cable TV...comfy bed...millions of blankets. With stars to look at everynight. With silence undrempt of back home...with the desolation that...just let you be...



Saturday, April 14, 2007


So, since I said I hated someone...Now their Gf thinks I'm mad ar her...and this is just way bigger a deal than I ever wanted to it be...

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Spring break

Vacation...It was so...Undescribable, Calming like nothing else. So at first, I'm scared like shit, becuase it was just gonna be me and my dad. much of it was so...Idk, special...? The world seemed like such a fascinating place, and I was absorbing every small wonder. Sometimes at home I find myself admiring life, how amazingly complex it seems. Over there, I was intrigued by rocks. Rocks. One stretch of the road we were driving on, there was like a mini sandstorm, lmao it was so scary. Off in the distance, one time a saw a fricken tornado in the sand. It was amazing. Then the place where we stayed...We actually rented a house for a week. It was so desolate. And quiet. And absolutely perfect.
There was a fricken pool table in the house. And my bed was so nice. And the people who were there before us left so much shit. Extra blankets (I love blankets) and i found like four bras, lmao.
Everyday after we went to dinner, which was kinda hard to do, because really there was like nothing good for dinner, we would come back, and watch TV. Either Law and Order, or some movie my dad found. Lmao, I found out he loves romantic comedies (Chick Flicks) and ya, we saw like 4 of those. How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days was unbearable. Terrible terrible terrible movie. My god.
When we were getting back to LA, man was that depressing. The sky...looked like someone threw cement over the air. Back in our little rented home, everynight I would step out of the house, and stare up at the sky. One time I actually tripped, so lost in the night sky. So many was great...And over here...The opaque dullness, indicitive of the small, incessent aching that goes on. Blah.
I like using big words =D...You know why...?
I started reading Twilight while I was there too. That book is beautiful. Im almost done, and I need New Moon.
Anyway, now that Im back...I relize how much I fucking hate..someone. And...agh...Its really bad.
Well Im tired. BYE

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

It's been awhile...

So my dad got back from Germany today. He was here when I got home. It was weird...It soo seemed like he genuinely missed me. Crazyness. Anyway, here's what pissed me off. During dinner, Kevin talks about how he has "so much stuff" to do during spring break, implying he didn't want to go to San Felipe next week. And like...Why the hell can't people relize that there are certain times when you can and cannot talk about things. My dad, after being deprived of his son for almost three weeks, comes home to here that he doesn't want to spend sping break with him. So now, my dad wants to go alone. W/e, I don't really want to go, but like fuck man, how retarded can you be...don't tell that to him THE SAME DAY he comes home.

Now, I really don't wanna go to sleep, I can feel my tiredness, but I don't want tommorow to start...I don't wanna go to to 1st period with Mr. Boling...Oh, today after school, Ms. Kavy said hi to me. Man was that painful. Severely. She sounded all nice and shit. Blech...

And something else, today at lunch, when I was buying my food, I was like "Can I get a Cactus Cooler and a Funnyons" and Mr. Gustan was all like "Here you go Brian", in like the nicest way possible. Idk...I like niceness...A lot. It made me so happy for a while.

Then came 7th period. Gah, that stupid test, Mr. Barrow didn't teach us shit. At all. Whatsoever. Blah.

Oh, so back to me being at home. I finally got to see my report card...It's the worst one all year. And the thing that makes me mad is that I see that I'm getting a C in Bio, ONE WEEK before the next grading period ends. Perfect. Oh, and Mr. D gives me a fucking B in Marching Band. Fuck the world, I seriously do as much as I can. I'm going to talk to him tommorow, because really there is NO way I cannot be tardy. So, I see no point in letting it drag down my GPA, escpeccially when that is the class causing the most stress.

O shit I just remembered I have to do my Spanish Hw...Will I have time later...? Well, I'm tired, but I guess I just gotta do it right now...Good thing I'm getting a ride to school tommorow...I'll get SOME sleep. Woot.


Friday, March 23, 2007


Today was without a doubt the most aggravating day all week. The fair made the day stressful, the assembly for music made me realize imcompetence and stupidity, the meeting in the morning wasted my life, and in 7th period, I wanted to take the test, because I didn't feel like talking to people. And ya it was OK, but I really felt like working. I had Mr. Collin's as a sub and I despise him. And now its the weekend. And I need to scream. But I can't alone, because it's just stupid. I need a new song to fall in love with, and right now I just am coming up blank, and I just want this hopelessness to end.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Life Through My Eyes: Pain

I've come to ask myself a major question. Why do I feel so much pain? The everyday activities of normal people disgust me, and the personalities of peers, even some of the friends I cherish insanely much, drive me insane. What is keeping me from just acceptance, from peace? Is there something inside of me that just doesn't want to be happy? Does it believe that this depression is a part of my personality? When one problem ends, another one arises, and instead of steering clear, I tackle, and often fall to dust on impact. All the emotion related, and stress related, and even physical (ugh, someone I despise very much, right now, just signed on) pain keep coming, and am I doing anything to stop it.
Until a VERY smart person (lol, its only noah) told me I should show my toe to the school nurse, I had just planned on fighting through it. Fighting through the ever increasing agony of walking to school, and fighting through the fear whatever the fuck is wrong with it. For this part, there IS something I know. There is a reason I never made a huge deal about it. It was validating. Knowing that there was this constant pain on me, and me being able to get through it, not a single complaint (well, some complaints, but none of them are actually serious). In my mind, it separated me from the "too weak to do anything" image of me I had created for myself.
I do that because I hate weakness. A lot. People who stay home because they are slightly sick, who don't do homework because they don't want to, who go to the nurse because something is hurting them ever so insignificantly. It disgusts me. The embodiment of all these things, Becky. God damn it fuck her to hell I swear to god.
Back on topic, it's just amazing how...I guess, just how I function. The need to give myself a challenge to overcome. Honestly, sometimes I stay up late just to see myself struggle through my early mornings, and rein victorious over the menial task. How entirely independant I force myself to be just to know I am good. I am strong. I am worth the air I breathe, the space I occupy. To know I am worth something.


Man, today I get home, tired after not eating LIKE ALL DAY because of retarded orchestra-ness, we had KFC. Oh man, it was such a chore to eat. I just imagined all the macroscopic globs of oild fat and grease oozing down into my body. It was horrible. And I'm way too skinny, and I'm somehow still getting skinnier, which is bothering me a lot. But ya, Ugh this thinking, is just so unhealthy..

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Just So I Don't Forgot

On the way to school yesterday, somehow the words just popped into my head. It was pretty cool.

"This anticipation makes no sense,
No up and down,
Nor left to right
Just seven silver circles
From me to you and back again"

Yeah. That's preliminary. I gotta uncrappify it, and then add some other lines, so it makes slight sense.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Procrastination with the Utmost Enthusiasm

Wow, I love that title. I need to write a song with that title. It would be so fun. Ok anyway, on Friday I had the best plan in the world. I would do so much homework this weekend, and finish my history chapter, and get at least half way done with Bio project, so that later I could gloat about it. So yesterday, wanna know what I did? I woke up, fell asleep, woke up again, pondered whether or not I should take a shower or not, spent way too long on AIM, spent WAY too long on my PS2, and then went to Borders, and then Panda express, and then going right back to my PS2. It's not my fault though, the game I have is like way too fun. a wolf, but hes a god, and you do like crazy shit and its like WOAH, and then you make everything look all pretty when you're done, it's wonderful. Lol, the most educational thing I did yesterday was picking up my Bio book, and putting it under my desk, in the thought that I would eventually work on it. O, and I also developed an obsession with guitar. I NEED to learn it now. Really bad. Or I'll die. While I was at Borders, I picked out SOOO many books. I didn't buy any though, I didn't like fall in love with any of them. They were cool, but not cool enough. I read like three chapters of 3 books though. One of them was about this girl who has a "disability", and sees color in letters and numbers, and colors and shapes with sounds. It was so sad, because she thought every was like that, but then one day all the kids in her 2nd grade class laughed at her when she accidentally said something about it. And it's cool, because it is a real "condition" I remember hearing something about it somewhere. I need to find out the name of it. But like, wouldn't that me so fricken cool? You could draw music. And it would be amazing. The bad side is if there's A LOT of noise, you could literally go blind with color for a little while. Harsh stuff man. Then the other book was about a kid, I think it said he was a senior in Highschool. He shot himself in the head, survived, with brain damage, and he can't remember a think about anything. And it's really cool because the narraration is in his vioce, so like its all jumpy and shit, because yeah, he has a lot of trouble remembering like anything, and as soon as he thinks something, he just says it. No control over thoughts. And like ya, It's kool. I would have bought it, but 1) The narraration gets really annoying sometimes. 2) I despise hardcover books. So like yeah. I think I'm just about done procrastinating though, I gots crap to do.

Friday, March 16, 2007


Ok, so the whole world knows how I feel about moving (lol, I bet some people really don't know how much though, but w/e). Today I get home, and the real estate peeps decided that the room would look better if they umplugged all the game systems. They also decided that the shaver should go in the drawer, and that once again, my top blanket thing should be removed. There not big things, but...well I'm even gonna attempt describing my loathing of it. Anyway, I was talking to Shellie, and I decided to ask her "Hey, what happens if there are no good houses up for rent (Yes, rent. We sell the house that my dad worked on for over 4 years, so that we can rent house.) if and when we sell the house?" She replies "We just have to hope that doesn't happen". L.M.A.O. Could you imagine that? I go through all of this, and then end up living in some reject crap shack. And then, when something new comes up, we move again. Beautiful.

Monday, March 12, 2007

So Ummm...

Omg, I fucking hate this. My lessons are canceled because of some stupid shit that makes no sense. I can’t stop listening to “Someday you will be loved” by Death Cab for Cutie. My house is going on the market again, and I know its gonna fuck up the world once again. My dad is….agh just fuck him! And he’s threatening me by taking away my cello. Meaning, no buying my own, no getting my lessons, no even taking classes at PCC. For the one day I had lessons, my future of being a pro cellist wasn’t a dream, it was a possibility. And hes about to completely crush every remnant of that feeling. Its 11 :12 at night, and I can’t go to sleep. I cant find my book for Ms. Kavanagh. Ms Galvez is gonna bug me about finding prices for the fried rice for the Asian fair. I need to get a teacher so I can learn a song for my Performance class at PCC, but like I said, doesn’t look like that’s a possibility. Today people after school were bugging the fuck out a me, and followed me places, even though CLEARLY I wanted to be left the fuck alone. My internet is being massively retarded. My toe is bleeding, and the puss stuff never stops coming out, all because my dad refuses to go to the doctor again, because those guys ripped him off. The doctors are stupid and/or fucked up enough to charge us 550 dollars instead of 200. My leg is hurting for reasons I’m not quite sure of. I’m gonna have to wake up with my brother again tomorrow and imma be yelled at for some unknown reason. The general public at school doesnt know when they should just impale themselves. God damn fuck the world. I hate this shit

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Busy busy busy....

Last night was the Marshall Talent Show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lmao, it was dreadful...Like ridiculously. No talent. Crappy stage crew. Abysmal organization. Lol, but its all cool, bcause Noah won! Whoo-hoo!!!!!!!!!!!! Lol ya. Anyway, afterwords, we gave a ride home to Ronnica...and she should feel pretty honored, because she is the first person my dad has ever given a ride to in Pasadena. And ya, it was insane. Lol she was so afraid of him...So right now, I have to go to this Jazz Festival, and its gonna be like all fricken day, from 9 to 5. Then we have dinner guests over (WTF! WE NEVER HAVE GUESTS!). Then tomorrow, since Mr. D's only plan of fundraising has failed (the PCC Flea Market), we must now try to scramble up some hope of going to Santa Cruz, so we're gonna go along Allen trying to Ad space into our winter concert. That part is kinda scary, because I'm scared to get stuck with a crap group, or an awkward group, or a weird group. And ya. Thats from 10 to 2. But, I have so much HW to do! Biology project is due, painfully retarded History Hw is due, and I need to start my art for Ms. Kavy. Sigh. And I wanted to practice my cello!!! And also, I need to call my aunt, and tell her we're not going to SamAsh anymore. I despise that place anyway. But ya.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Painfully Obvious

Why is that people sometimes don't even try to mask the fact that they don't care about you? It's painful, it really is, to be having a conversation with someone online or something, and notice the all too sudden lack of affection. And it's even worse when you know it's because someone else logged on, or they called somebody else, or stuff like that. Mackenzie was talking about that earlier today, and then I sometimes notice with certain people, and ya. I just hate it. And also, I don't know if it's just me, but I hate when people think I care about other people more than them, so I at least try to cover it up. This blatant display of...I don't even know how to describe it, is just too much. O by the way, I came up with an awesome line to be in a poem thing, so ya, lol I'm proud of me.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Beyond Belief...

Lmao, so now Shellie is threatening to take my door away. She walked out of my room, after I asked her to please close the door, and she didn’t, so ya, I kinda slammed it closed. Anyway, I just find it funny. I’ll adapt to any bullshit threat she throws at me. I mean, I’ve been grounded from the phone for longer than I can remember. Sometime while I was still in 8th grade I do believe… And my parents for some reason think it’s still bothering me. Ha. Do they really think of me as so dependant on that stupid thing that I’d hold a grudge for half a year, especially when I have so much other shit going on my life? She’s just…impossible. We were kinda fighting earlier, because I was doing homework, and then she calls me down to make dinner. I see a pot on the stove, so I ask “What’s for dinner? Soup?” she replies, “ DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’D DOING SOUP???” So when that happened I was just like…O Fuck This, and was just in a general bad mood. And then we got in an argument about how we don’t have any napkins. But really, wtf, three people in this family can drive, why can’t SOMEBODY just get some fucking napkins. So now, Imma try do choke down some too-well-done chicken, and almost rotting potatoes, then try to finish up my insane amount of homework (History chapter, theme and questions, Biology, several homework assignments I’m somehow missing, English, reading 50 more pages in my book) while trying to recover from the inevitable nausea of a half-ass meal. Oh how I despise her sometimes…… Fuck so now I’m back. Apparently, I have a completely spoiled attitude, despite the amount of work I’m constantly doing with everything and not complaining, but I guess one little “outburst” completely overides, EVERYTHING! So, she and my dad want to send me to Mexico to live for a couple of weeks. Doesn't that just seem completely rational? And it's just gonna totally improve my "attitude problem", because after I come back, I'll just be a happy camper!!! Fucking amazing...

Sunday, March 4, 2007


So, I go to the store to get my cello...I have to wait like a billion hours for the people to find it. It was still in shipping material. The bridge wasn't even on. So now we have to go all the down there, AGAIN, next week. Steaming mad...But actually it's OK. I have a cello teacher now, so when I see her on Thursday, Imma ask her like where other students have bought theirs from, and ya. Argh tho. It's frustrating...And I feel sick too. My nose is all clogged up, and whenever I yawn, my ears do that weird thing, as if I'm on an airplane. Sigh. I still have hw to do, and in about an hour, Imma have to go downstairs, and waste yet another hour of my life preparing half-way edible food. Ugh....Irritableness...

Saturday, March 3, 2007


New cello!!!! Hopefully get it tommorow!!!!!!! Yea!!!!!

Thursday, March 1, 2007


I just finished Specials, the last book of the Uglies series. I don't want to elaborate too much on it, just in case someone decides to read it, but the ending...its not even like, ultra climactic, or something to leave you in tears. It's just...I guess, beautiful is the only to describe it. Like omfg, after words, words cannot even describe how I was was just..beautiful...So, now I shall begin another book in which I will become emotionally attached to. "In the Distant Land of My Father" has already captured me, but also, Imma read Twilight! And then after that...who knows, but ya. idk, I needed to share that.

Oh Fuck No

Fuck this. Shellie's going to this dinner tonight, so me and Kevin were supposed to order take out for dinner. Now, at the last minite, Kevin calls, saying hes not coming for dinner. So since theres a 15 dollar minimun for the take out, Shellies saying I can'd get dinner from there. Instead, she wants me to walk down to Vons, buy a sanwhich, and walk back. Shes telling me this now, at 5 30, when its gonna be cold as fuck out in a couple minites, and I still have hw to do. Fuck no. I'm ordering my fucking Thai food.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Embodiment of Irrationality

Omg, I love that title. Ok anyway lately, wayyy to much crazyness for me to handle. I've developed a fear that if I walk in the dark too long, somethings gonna pop up in front of me, and I'll trip and fall. Also, all bugs scare me silly recently. I was in the laundry room, covering my mouth with both hands, and putting my clothes in a basket using my feet, because I thought this gnat was gonna fly into my mouth. It happened before, and ya, so at least its not ENTIRELY insane. When I was little, a fly flew into my mouth while i was eating. And I kinda bit it on accident, and ya, not fun. Then I have all these fears of my being 50 years old and alone, and it's scary and ya. Idk, it's so easy to let your fears get the best of you..

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

One more MAJOR Annoyance.

The history test and teacher are just retarded. We spent the last two days studying for the test, and like, I hate when teachers ONLY teach whats gonna be on the test. People go to school to learn, NOT to pass tests. And the thing is, a lot of the stuff isn't any more important than other things, but it's just we're getting tested on that instead of something else. We have to know about two sisters who stood up for farming, and not once did she mention the woman who self proclaimed herself emperor. That's not important at all...Or that in some year, the emperor burned every monastery in China to the ground. Dammit i hate it. There is no point in learning, if you only learn what others want you to know. No point in learning=no point in school= (because I'm under 18) no point in life. Thanks a lot, for killing the joy I had from actually learning this one chapter, that was a complete waste of one day of my life. Dammit..

Explosion in the works...

So yesterday I had the first class for the PCC Orchestra. Daniel decided not to go, at the last minite (wow, huge suprise...). I hate when people do that. The people that cannot see the line between what you HAVE to do, and what you WANT to do. Fucking just...Anyway, I'm waiting for the bus to PCC, and Uche comes, waitng for the bus too. I did not relize that I could talk for so long about how I despise band. It was crazy. So i get to PCC at about..4:30. Meaning a 2:30 wait till my class started. Fun. I didn't have to leave Marshall so early, but pretty much like all forms of life where bugging the fuck outta me, so I just needed to be off in a corner somewhere, blasting my iPod, to escape existence. So ya, I was sitting outside the music room, till I saw Mr. D, and like I said, human contact was just not gonna happen. So I went up the stairs, and found a perfect little spot for me to be awy from everyone. Like, its a sanctuary. I wish there was someplace like that at Marshall, but sadly no. So class was fun, and some of the people remember me, and all the cellos are like really nice. I can really see myself keep on going there, and like leaving Marshall Orchestra behind for good. The music was fricken' Impossible, but still, those three hours in the class flew by. It was wonderful. After, my bro picked up...Well actually, first I waited in the ice cold wind for about 30 minites, until finally his shit black car rolled into view. I get in the car, it smeels like weed. I know he didn't smoke, but still, he was fucking 30 minites late, because he was letting his fuckturd friends get high in his car. So fricken PISSED. So, we get Jack In The Box for dinner, when we get home though, it was just distigsting...Like I'm really getting worried, so many foods just make me wanna throw up now...It's not good...So umm ya
In the morning, once again looking at all the foods we have make me wanna hurl, so I take an apple, and then go up to brush my teeth. Even that made me wanna throw up. Seriously, it's everything. So, idk wat else...I relized how much fun it is playing DS games with Ronnica, it's really the only GOOD part of my day today. And after school, people were bothering me. A lot. No real reason. Just ya, idk...gayness.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

I Think...

I wanna write a poem...I just need to start writing down lines when I think of them...they always escape me, but ya...It would be cool to have my own...


Did you know you can set up your blog, so that you can post things from your email adress?? Ya, I just set mine up, and this is a test, and ya. Ummmm, I'm bored!!!!!!! And I have some really good books, but I dont feel like reading right now, and ya. Sigh

Minor Annoyance of the Night

Last night, I was being like really bored, and then I remembered a conversation I had with Ronnica, about how she really wanted to hear all those string quartet tributes to different bands. So I go on Amazon, and omg there are so many! And they're so fun to! I was listening to a Dashboard one, and it like makes you appreciate the music more. It's can here all the parts a lot better, but eventually you miss having the lyrics there. I also saw one for My Chemical Romance, and that was just plain cool too. So, by now I'm on itunes, because theres more samples on there. Then, I see some girls comment one an album. "I really liked it, and I pity those do not, because they are too unintelligent to appreciate classical music." Really, wtf is that. What is about classical music, that you have to be smart to appreciate. And even if there is something in it, that's only with music from forever ago. Listening to a quartet play Fall Out Boy is not called listening to classical music. That's contemporary. Shows what she knows. Anyway I got to thinking, why would a society associate classical music with intelligence. I really see no connection. Music is music, there are different kinds, there really are no better or worse. There are preferences. There is popularity. There is generic, there is normal, there is loud, there is soft. But it's all the same stuff. If someone listens to a different kind, really what difference does it make. Now, a partially off-topic point. Thinking about all this stuff kept me up forever last night, but I remembered something that happened in like 7th grade. I saw these two black kids fighting, one of like "What ya gonna do?!? You light-skinded bitch!". I'm like standing here awestruck. Now not only do you have to be black, for black people to like you, but you have to be a certain shade. That is absurd. It made me so extremely mad that day...and that's something else that contributed to my growing dislike of "my people". Anyway ya, idk. The world is weird...

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Fricken people have no clue...

So I'm on this website, and like there's this part about teens in orchestra. So I, being the extremely bored person that I am, decide to check it out. The first thing I see, a shitload of people saying that support from their parents is needed to be a good musician. O. Hell. No. I stopped even inviting my parents to my concerts, because never once have I gotten a "Wow, you guys sound great" or "Man, I really liked that one song" or even "That didn't suck as much as the last one" Actually, I think I may have gotten that last one, I'm not sure. But anyway, generally a concert would end with my dad coming into the band room, telling me to hurry up, because he wants to get the hell out there, or Shellie coming in, complaining about how she hasn't eaten, or bitching and moaning about her damn (I edited profanity out, idk why) period pains. So I hurry up, so I can sit in the car, and hear about all the things I've done wrong in the last week. What a wonderful way to end a concert, which USED to be a happy expeirence. So like I said, I don't even invite them. I mentioned to my dad about the All-District one, but he decided not to show up. And after it, one of the most exhausting days of my life, was over, I dragged my clothes, trombone, and cello to where my dad was supposed to pick me up. When I get in the car, the first thing he says is "I you we'd meet over THERE". Not "Hey, how'd the concert go". Not "Woah, you must be exhausted". Not anything of the sort. So I reply, "I'm sorry that in my total exaustion, I could not tell the difference between this spot, and the spot TWO TREES AWAY, IN PERFECT EYE-SIGHT FROM HERE, and by the way, my concert went great, thanks for asking." Yes, that shut him up for the rest of the way home. But litterely, it's like they OPPOSE my involvement in music. And deep down, I know I'm not the BEST, but I'd fucking kick ass over any other person who'd been playing cello for one year, and who never had a teacher on ANY aspect of the instrument. So for those retards saying family is so important. Just....FOAD (Lmao, Idk, I really like some of those Internet slang things Mackenzie and I were looking at).

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Good day!

Everytime I log onto this thing, I tell the thing to remember my email, lol it never does. It's so sad. I have to type out that long ass email address everytime I log in. Sigh. Lol so my day today, was totally insane. Certain friends kept on bugging me, but by the second half of the day, that didn't even matter anymore! You wanna know why???? I BOUGHT MINTS! Lmao, yesterday at Target, I bought these Lifesaver mints, TWO PACKS OF THEM! THATS LIKE 96 MINTS! Anyway, lmao now there all gone...I had at least 35 mints today, no joke, by 7th period, I was straight up addicted to em' and I was eating like one every minite. It was great. Mega ultra insaneful hyperness. Oh, and Jennifer showed me this book of her drawings, and they were really kool! After school I was waiting with Shelby, and literally I could not stand still. I was fricken' dancing. Lmao. Then i had to take the bus home in the rain, but y'know, that wasn't enough to ruin my good mood. Then, I got home, and Estela was here, so I'm really afraid she threw away my gum bottle, and she said she didn't find my Midnighters book, but even THAT was not enough to ruin my good mood. THEN, I found a note on my computor that apparently Shellie wrote. MY CELLO CAME IN!!! So now I gotta call the store. Mega happy! And then after that, I read an email from Kenzie, with a quote (she has made me unhealthily obsessed with them) and it was so incredibly awesome! So like I said: Ultra mega happy!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Phases of Today

Waking up: The normal. I had some new music on my iPod, made me mega happy. I had a Poptart that for some reason was just super nasty and I ended up throwing it away...
Zero Period: I remember sitting in the middle of the floor, dumbstruck. "Oh fuck no, not Magnificent Seven again, this is gay". Painful hour of my life...
Spanish: FUN! Idk why, but it was kool.
Biology: Ya w/e it was normal
Orchestra: ANGER! SUPREME ANGER! AGHHHH ANGER! Once AGAIN, Magnificent Seven, my fucking god, it's easineess is absolutely obsurd. And somehow people still don't get it. It was just...horrible.
English: Dead tired.
History: Ms Mares mad me angry
Algbra 2: Besides everyone asking me for answers, the test was suprisingly fun
Home: Being a freak, and like actually reading the histrory chapter, and also, TAKING NOTES! like a weird person, and ya idk. all this stuff, that now im too tired to explain, lol this blog was retarded

Monday, February 19, 2007

Stupid Kenzie...

She started me looking at quotes, and like woah, its crazy. Here's just a few that I found.

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds
to be.
--Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

OK, it's so simple, but like CRAZY smart. Really some people (Haha, specially me) just can sit there being miserable when nothings wrong, knowing perfectly well it would make there lives a million times easier to just step out of that bitchy ring of depression. Most of the time I'm mad/angry/whatever, half of me wants to stay that way, so that later I can say to myself, "Wow, my life is harder than yours". And for what? Exactly. No reason. Whatsoever.

Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections. --Unknown
The wisdom of that is pretty much self explanatory.

Ok enough of the quotes right now, something just bothering me. The world is about to be introduced to my bitter side, muahahah. Ok, like...seriously all these stupid people...You are not allowed to bitch about ANYTHING if merely seeing a person's face makes you happy. Duh, there's exceptions, but like come on. Some of these people...every little disagreement and it shatters their world, even though any sane person knows that whatever the hell the disagreement is, is insignificant and just plain stupid. You're gonna still be "in love" after you have make-up sex in about an hour. Really. They just need to be slapped...And then they come to me to cry about their problems. Fuck off. Lmao, really though. Sometimes it's like that. And I'm a horrible person for saying it like that, but really, I just needed to say it.


So after I came home today, I see my music folder on my desk, and for some reason I have the urge to look through it. It was not such a great idea. The endless string of hackneyed songs is just simply not the least bit entertaining anymore. The emotionless Brandenburg Concerto from All-District, and the tortuously repetitive Magnificent Seven just does not seem to do it for me anymore. Even the famed Halo Theme bores me. The Grieg song was actually bearable, until directed by Ms. Worby. It's so sad that the songs from PCC last year, I actually really want to play them, but I'm just don't know how. I'm just stuck, and music, what I used to sometimes even call a Passion, is dead. Hopefully the classes at PCC that I'm gonna take will revitalize it...sigh. Idk. And I really wanna learn piano...but again, that is another thing I just don't know how to do...sigh...Depressing.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Post Before I Go To Sleep

For some reason, I had this overwhelming desire to type something. So here's just to get the world caught up on so many things I forgot to say to some people. First, I think I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, lmao. I really should not find it funny, but I do. I checked it out on WebMd and everything, and yeah, it explains the burning pain that surges through me when anywhere from my pinky to forearm touches anything. Second. Mackenzie!!! I need your email! Lol, because of moments like this when i relized I wanted to tell you sumthing, but then you're like gone and stuff. Umm, ya that blog you replied to wasn't aimed at you, but that poem thing you sent me kicks ass! I love it. And hmmm what else...Oh yes, I have learned that I am not the only person in the world who despises shoes. And Jennifer said something abuot that that I really liked. Something like, "If it were up to me, I'd never wear them, but no, I have to live in a society where you can't even get food if you don't have shoes." Really, how stupid is that. There just stupid things on your feet! They're so stupid. I need to start a rally at school, and see what would happen if nobody wore shoes one day. It would be so fun. Anyway, yay! I'm gonna be going to the movies tommorow, and I'm gonna get myself some Ms. Feild's (mmmmm) I love that place. Oh shiot, I was gonna call that music store today to see when my cello would be coming in. Sigh, they'll be open tomorrow, right? Nobody actually takes this holiday, whatever holiday it is, I really don't know, seriously. OH MAN, and I also gotta type that essay for Bio...hmmm doesn't seem too hard though, I just need to remember the website...OH, and that reminds me, I need to post about this one super crazy genetic disorder, and like ya. Omg, posting right before bed is a bad idea, I get thinking too much =/

Shit man..

Today I have to go shopping for new shoes with my dad. That much "quality-time", the thought of it is making my head scream. So I decided to minimize my unpleasantness, and we're only gonna get dress shoes today, not like...normal shoes, because yeah, doing that is just pure hell. And today already isn't starting out very well. My skin hurts. Idk how but ya, it feels like my skin is becoming like paper thin, and everytime i touch something with certain parts on my arm, it feels like my nerves are being crushed. Not very pleasant. I swear my skin thingy is getting worse and worse, but whenever I mention it, nobody listens to me. And there is way too much sunlight coming into my room rite now. I can barely see the comp screen, and my eyes are squinting like automatically. My friend still hasn't sent me the pictures from...I forgot when, but she said she was going to as soon as she put them on her comp, and I know she did because their on her myspace. Oh wow, actually TWO friends haven't sent me pictures. People shouldn't take pix of me if they're not gonna send them to me. It's just annoying. And also, way too many people keep on posting blogson myspace. Idk why thats bothering me, but it is. I'm just overall irratible and not very comfortable.

Saturday, February 17, 2007


Really, somethings have just gotten to a point, that it doesn't seem worth it to explain to anyone. People just truly cannot comprehend somethings. And recently, when I tried, they were so caught up in something else, that the things I said didn't matter. So, I'm left here alone, and lately I've discovered it's much easier to handle it when you can be distracted by something else...Thus, my unhealthy obsession with Minesweeper, and my overwhelming desire to read 24/7. By the way that reminds me, I gotta go to Borders or Barnes and Nobles again soon. I'm running out of stuff to read. I gotta order "Specials" like today, so that it'll be here by when I finish Midnighters. And that's also making me really sad, and here's another reason I despise series. I have like an emotional connection to this book, like really. Almost the entire time I'm reading, I'm submerged into the plot so deep, that it's not even like I'm reading anymore. I just see the people doing w/e the hell they're doing, the actual words never once actually appearing in my mind. Woah I got off topic, so to the miniscule amount of people who read my blog (actually just one, but hey even I can be optimistic), know any good books?

Friday, February 16, 2007

Thoughts of the Day

1) Ok, I know it's slightly insane, but like ok, I've been reading Midnighters way too much. Basically, the main stuff in it, is that there is this "secret hour". It's one hour in the day, compresed in a single moment, that certain creatures live in, and only certain people can move in. These people can move in it because they were born at the exact moment of Midnight. So anyway, I was just thinking abuot how like...How the hell can we ever know for sure that thats not true? Like, not exactly how it is in the book, but to some extent, that CAN be true. How would we ever know if for every moment we are here, we take turns sharing it with some other world/dimension? If you think about it, the whole concept of time is SO out of human grasp, that most have just discarded any thought into it, and accepted it as "Just because". If you think abuot all the things we don't know, and the things we dont even know we don't know, it is very scary.

2) Imagining life without cartoons. Ya, I sound stupid, but read all of this, I swear its good, and It's not a total crap like the first one. Ok if you think abuot it, all the stuff that like you've always known, and known them for so long, you don't even remember when you learned them. When did you learn what police are? Or what jail is? I can bet $50, that one day when you were watching the villian in Scooby Doo get arrested, or even The Powerpuff Girls kick total ass over Mojo Jojo and throw him in prison, you learned this kinda stuff. Actually, especcially the shows like Superman, you learn that the bad guy gets thrown in jail, and somehow by some unnatural being, order is restored and the world is one great happy place. How much you wanna bet that if there were no cartoons, and kids only watched Law and Order, and other drama shows, a shitload of kids would have given up on life, and tried to kill themselves or something. When you grow up, stupid TV shows tell you that the world is one big happy place, but other TV shows, deffinitly do not hide the ugly truth of the world quite so well.

3) After reading Mackenzie's blog, I remembered something else I was thinking abuot. The whole concept of not caring. And how smart she was for noticing something; half the people who say the dont care are lying. They just want it to seem like it doesn't bother them; trying to fool the world and even themselves. Then out of the 50% remaining, at least two-thirds of them are just stupid or ignorant, and tragically, a large majority are both. Only a slight few are educated and don;t care.

Anyway, this was fun, and I have several thoughts about life, but I'm crazy tired.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Why I Love Reading

Jessica talking talking to Constanza about boyfriend problems =/
"Be patient, just let your anger mellow inside you, aging like a fine wine. Then when Jonathan does something that really pisses you off, let him have it with both barrels."
Jessica blinked. "Um, I got lost. What barrels?"
"Pay attention Jessica. These are barrels of anger." Constanza sighed, thumping the steering wheel. "The problem with boys is, you can't tell them everytime something annoys you. If you complain every single second that Jonathan isn't holding your hand, you look feeble and whiny and desperate. So you have to hit him with all you flaws at once. Which means...waiting until he does something that he knows is bad and tally of all your complaints ready in you mind. Be patient, but be prepared--that's my motto!"
Come on, that is straight up bitchyness, lmao. I love books sometimes

Random Crap

Ok like, all these band things, there really just pissing me off. I'm so tired. Like insanely tired. In school, everything is MOSTLY effortless. Occasionally, I actually have to think. But now, waking up early to march TROMBONE and then having two hour long rehearsals, it drains you like mad. I'm seiroulsy just exhausted in everyway shape and form, and I start being weird when I'm tired. Haha, ask Noah, he saw me during 6th period. But ya, tommorow is gonna be even worse. Rehersals for cello AND trombone, and then the concert later on. Oh and about the concert, really it's so fricken gay, my family is like arguing over who will give me a drive. So, I gonna take my clothes and cello and trombone with me on the bus to PCC tomorrow. How insanely fun is that gonna be!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Valentines Day =/

Ok, so I was thinking about writing this blog before, but then I got lazy, but then all these stupid people's myspace bullitens about it are just making me mad. Anyway, like really, tommorow is gonna fucking suck. Major ass. Like I can picture it in my mind. During advisory, people are gonna be like, "What are you doing back here?" Of course, duh I'm gonna be in the back room of the band room. And I'm gonna be like "I'm losing myself in my books and emo music, stuffing my face full of chocholate I stole from some happy looking couple, to avoid letting my crushing lonliness depress the rest of the world." And that "happy" will be said with extra bitchyness too it. I can see it will be great.
But semi-off the subject, fuck man it was bothering me. Someone posted a myspace bulliten, saying how Valentines is gonna suck, because he's single. I'm sitting at my computor screen like, "What The Fuck". Seriously, it's as if he's the ONLY person in the world with that problem. Lol, I really don't care that much, but I know like tommorow, is just gonna bother me.

Monday, February 12, 2007


Omg, nobody on AIM is talking and I'm dying of boredom, and this homework is just so stupid! No, i would not want to be tested for Huntington's, that means a life of fear knowing that I have it, and a life of sympathy and pity I never asked for. Screw that.
Damn, I wish my HW was as easy as as just saying that.
Stupid Mackenzie, had to sign off....IM SO BORED

So Today

Today, I woke up at like 8 o'clock, or sumthing like that. I think I had a dream, and I remember remembering what my dream was, but now I can't remember for sure if I remembered or not, and if I did, I dont remember exactly what I remembered. Ohhh! Now I remember, Daniel and Shelby were in it. But now that I think of it, I'm not sure if I had this dream today, or yesterday. In any case, that's pretty much irrelevant. So anyway, when I woke up, I started reading my new book, "Midnighters: The Secret Hour". Whoo! I love that book. And while I was reading it, it was weird. You know how sometimes when you're reading a boring book, your mind wanders onto like a completely random topic. Well this time, it happened, but I was still thinking about the book. Anyway, I fricken finished the book! I got it yesterday! I'm so glad I decided to be stupid and get the second book while I was at the library. So Shellie came into my room, being her normal SuperBitch self. I should give her a code name to use while I'm on the comp. One time she read my IMs, and me and Ronnica were talking about her. Lol, it didnt turn out so good. I think SuperBitch421 seems like it's inconspicious enough. Anyway, where was I? This recollection of how my day went, is getting way too long. But i guess more stuff happened today than I thought. So yeah, I went downstairs and Ronnica called me about going to Santa Anita today. And once again, SuperBitch421 (ok, I'll stick to Shellie, SuperBitch421 is just kinda retarded) is all like, "Brian is not allowed to be on the phone". Ok like, I kinda understand not being able to talk on the phone for a long time, y'know, like for fun. But when people are trying to reach me, you would think maybe she would be able to turn down her bitchyness a couple notches, but noooo. Anyway yeah, Yay! I was gonna be going to Santa Anita today! So...I ate breakfast and all that boring stuff....Ronnica got online, and I was talking to her. Then she left so she could come pick me up. Then pretty much two minites before she came, Daniel has to IM me. WTF! He's talking abuot how his birthday doesnt even feel like a birthday, which got me kind of mad for some reason. But i felt so bad, because he was like not feeling good, but I had to go. So ya...then when me and Ronnica got to Santa Anita, we got lost trying to get to Borders! Lol, it reminded me of the time I was there with Daniel. Well ya...we stayed in Borders for a while after meeting up with Randy, and there were so many fun books! One of the was like "The Virgin Suicides" and it had a really cool poem, I need to find so I can post it! And then by the same author, this book called "Middlesex", and I was having such a great time finding all the dirty things in it! Man that shit was bad, like it talked abuot a girl with sexual encounters and masturbation as child, and then...just some REALLY horny thoughts by some other person. It was great. So...then we ate at some Japanese place I really didn't like that much. And then...well I'm getting tired, so let's fastfoward a bit. I went to the Popcorn place to buy some Kettle Korn, and they were like "This large bag costs less then the small", so I like sure. IT WAS SO MUCH! So I still have it with me rite now, lol. So when I got home...I called Daniel, and went online, and ate some dinner, and here I am! Man, typing all that was way too fun.

Give Me a Pat On The Back

I told myself I would try to write in normal English for like week. So ya, Congrats to me tho, for creating one of these things. Yeah! Haha, and thanks to Mackenzie, for...telling me about the site. Lol, this is sooo just a way for me to get out of doing homework.