I'm not liking it...

There's jsut way too much happening..and how can it even be possible that everything is happening at once. Shouldn't time be like "Oh Shiot, lemme slow down a bit before Brian trips over all that crap hanging over his shoulders"
Yes, I am that panicky and stressed, time needs to slow down soley for me. Lmao.
Just, my god, life is just not working.
I feel like a failure, like one day I'm gonna wake up, and I'll have missed everything
All these choices and responsibilities, all these small tests of strength. I'm gonna be so busy dealing with all of them, not one will be finished, and when I finally do get around to it, it won't even matter.
Sigh
I'm not liking this

Lol Another Shakepeare Moment...

I pray you, do not fall in love with me,
For I am falser than vows made in wine.
-Shakespeare (As You Like It)


=D

Upside to being sick

Today, there were several times when I would cough up flem/lugee/whatever you call it. And I just thought..."I coughed that shit up, thus there is less of it in my body". It had a purpose. It played its small role in me eventually getting better. Not like other shit, "I go to school, thus I learned and became smarter".

BULLSHIT!

Lmao
Seriously though, I how sad is it that I'm so desperate for meaning, that see it in my fever.
Lmao

God damn

Why the hell did my have to ever come back. I didn't miss him. I didn't fucking care that he was gone. But now that he is, Idk what changed in him, he's such a bitch. And god damn, I can't even begin to describe...

And then...today I totally blew my audition..and...if i don;t get into to PYMO...my beacon of light in this place where I am, where everything is just another expected dissapointment, with this, I thought I would succeed...and now that feeling.......I just can't handle this. I don't want to be alive

Sweet are the uses of Adversity

The Adversity: Having no food because my brother ate it before he left to god knows where, and Shellie being totally unreachable. My cries of distress go unheard (How sad!)

The Sweetness: I walk to Vons, and by a Smoke Stack sandwich, some california rolls, something to drink that is not water, and some really odd tasting Baskin Robbin hard candies. I have gained a wonderful dinner, and the overall good sensation of accomplishment.

Cheers to me.

XD

And just..

This whole thing...I'm actually genuinly sad. Actually sad. Not gloomy or depressed or any other fancy word for it. Just sad.

I Wish..

I wish I wasn't so...
I don't know the words to describe it, but it's about my cello...
Part of me wants to return it, part of me can't bear to part with it
Part of me knows that theres too many minor issues, and part of me knows that I'm just over reacting each and everyone
Part me knows I'll never be completely happy with it, while another knows how I feel when I play it, and knows it's the best one I've ever played
Part of me thinks its great, but part of me thinks it's only because I'm comparing it to an ancient school-owned relic.

All of these, I don't know how to make sense of it, and I don't even know how to react to it. Why do I care so much? It's not like it will ever matter, and it's not like I can't live without. It's just something I want. Some fragile desire that I can never be sure will still be there in the morning. But yet...It's strong enough to make sacrifice so much.

I need that cello guy to help me decide...it's just too big a choice for me to make on my own. I hope he comes to the school soon...I just hate it because...if I return it, where am I going to find something else for the same price...That wretched store I was thinking about before agitates me to no end...but...maybe it will do...

The thing is, I just really need to know if it is good or not. That's pretty much it, I just don't want to have a $1600 set of crap that gives me problems in a month. But also...I've waited for so long, I feel like if I don't keep it, this will never happen again.

The world really shouldn't care abuot this, so I don't know why I posted. But really...It's tearing me up inside.

Life was going so good too

=/