Aggravation

Today was without a doubt the most aggravating day all week. The fair made the day stressful, the assembly for music made me realize imcompetence and stupidity, the meeting in the morning wasted my life, and in 7th period, I wanted to take the test, because I didn't feel like talking to people. And ya it was OK, but I really felt like working. I had Mr. Collin's as a sub and I despise him. And now its the weekend. And I need to scream. But I can't alone, because it's just stupid. I need a new song to fall in love with, and right now I just am coming up blank, and I just want this hopelessness to end.

Life Through My Eyes: Pain

I've come to ask myself a major question. Why do I feel so much pain? The everyday activities of normal people disgust me, and the personalities of peers, even some of the friends I cherish insanely much, drive me insane. What is keeping me from just acceptance, from peace? Is there something inside of me that just doesn't want to be happy? Does it believe that this depression is a part of my personality? When one problem ends, another one arises, and instead of steering clear, I tackle, and often fall to dust on impact. All the emotion related, and stress related, and even physical (ugh, someone I despise very much, right now, just signed on) pain keep coming, and am I doing anything to stop it.
Until a VERY smart person (lol, its only noah) told me I should show my toe to the school nurse, I had just planned on fighting through it. Fighting through the ever increasing agony of walking to school, and fighting through the fear whatever the fuck is wrong with it. For this part, there IS something I know. There is a reason I never made a huge deal about it. It was validating. Knowing that there was this constant pain on me, and me being able to get through it, not a single complaint (well, some complaints, but none of them are actually serious). In my mind, it separated me from the "too weak to do anything" image of me I had created for myself.
I do that because I hate weakness. A lot. People who stay home because they are slightly sick, who don't do homework because they don't want to, who go to the nurse because something is hurting them ever so insignificantly. It disgusts me. The embodiment of all these things, Becky. God damn it fuck her to hell I swear to god.
Back on topic, it's just amazing how...I guess, just how I function. The need to give myself a challenge to overcome. Honestly, sometimes I stay up late just to see myself struggle through my early mornings, and rein victorious over the menial task. How entirely independant I force myself to be just to know I am good. I am strong. I am worth the air I breathe, the space I occupy. To know I am worth something.

Anorexia...

Man, today I get home, tired after not eating LIKE ALL DAY because of retarded orchestra-ness, we had KFC. Oh man, it was such a chore to eat. I just imagined all the macroscopic globs of oild fat and grease oozing down into my body. It was horrible. And I'm way too skinny, and I'm somehow still getting skinnier, which is bothering me a lot. But ya, Ugh this thinking, is just so unhealthy..

Just So I Don't Forgot

On the way to school yesterday, somehow the words just popped into my head. It was pretty cool.

"This anticipation makes no sense,
No up and down,
Nor left to right
Just seven silver circles
From me to you and back again"

Yeah. That's preliminary. I gotta uncrappify it, and then add some other lines, so it makes slight sense.

Procrastination with the Utmost Enthusiasm

Wow, I love that title. I need to write a song with that title. It would be so fun. Ok anyway, on Friday I had the best plan in the world. I would do so much homework this weekend, and finish my history chapter, and get at least half way done with Bio project, so that later I could gloat about it. So yesterday, wanna know what I did? I woke up, fell asleep, woke up again, pondered whether or not I should take a shower or not, spent way too long on AIM, spent WAY too long on my PS2, and then went to Borders, and then Panda express, and then going right back to my PS2. It's not my fault though, the game I have is like way too fun. Your...like a wolf, but hes a god, and you do like crazy shit and its like WOAH, and then you make everything look all pretty when you're done, it's wonderful. Lol, the most educational thing I did yesterday was picking up my Bio book, and putting it under my desk, in the thought that I would eventually work on it. O, and I also developed an obsession with guitar. I NEED to learn it now. Really bad. Or I'll die. While I was at Borders, I picked out SOOO many books. I didn't buy any though, I didn't like fall in love with any of them. They were cool, but not cool enough. I read like three chapters of 3 books though. One of them was about this girl who has a "disability", and sees color in letters and numbers, and colors and shapes with sounds. It was so sad, because she thought every was like that, but then one day all the kids in her 2nd grade class laughed at her when she accidentally said something about it. And it's cool, because it is a real "condition" I remember hearing something about it somewhere. I need to find out the name of it. But like, wouldn't that me so fricken cool? You could draw music. And it would be amazing. The bad side is if there's A LOT of noise, you could literally go blind with color for a little while. Harsh stuff man. Then the other book was about a kid, I think it said he was a senior in Highschool. He shot himself in the head, survived, with brain damage, and he can't remember a think about anything. And it's really cool because the narraration is in his vioce, so like its all jumpy and shit, because yeah, he has a lot of trouble remembering like anything, and as soon as he thinks something, he just says it. No control over thoughts. And like ya, It's kool. I would have bought it, but 1) The narraration gets really annoying sometimes. 2) I despise hardcover books. So like yeah. I think I'm just about done procrastinating though, I gots crap to do.

Lmao.

Ok, so the whole world knows how I feel about moving (lol, I bet some people really don't know how much though, but w/e). Today I get home, and the real estate peeps decided that the room would look better if they umplugged all the game systems. They also decided that the shaver should go in the drawer, and that once again, my top blanket thing should be removed. There not big things, but...well I'm even gonna attempt describing my loathing of it. Anyway, I was talking to Shellie, and I decided to ask her "Hey, what happens if there are no good houses up for rent (Yes, rent. We sell the house that my dad worked on for over 4 years, so that we can rent house.) if and when we sell the house?" She replies "We just have to hope that doesn't happen". L.M.A.O. Could you imagine that? I go through all of this, and then end up living in some reject crap shack. And then, when something new comes up, we move again. Beautiful.

So Ummm...

Omg, I fucking hate this. My lessons are canceled because of some stupid shit that makes no sense. I can’t stop listening to “Someday you will be loved” by Death Cab for Cutie. My house is going on the market again, and I know its gonna fuck up the world once again. My dad is….agh just fuck him! And he’s threatening me by taking away my cello. Meaning, no buying my own, no getting my lessons, no even taking classes at PCC. For the one day I had lessons, my future of being a pro cellist wasn’t a dream, it was a possibility. And hes about to completely crush every remnant of that feeling. Its 11 :12 at night, and I can’t go to sleep. I cant find my book for Ms. Kavanagh. Ms Galvez is gonna bug me about finding prices for the fried rice for the Asian fair. I need to get a teacher so I can learn a song for my Performance class at PCC, but like I said, doesn’t look like that’s a possibility. Today people after school were bugging the fuck out a me, and followed me places, even though CLEARLY I wanted to be left the fuck alone. My internet is being massively retarded. My toe is bleeding, and the puss stuff never stops coming out, all because my dad refuses to go to the doctor again, because those guys ripped him off. The doctors are stupid and/or fucked up enough to charge us 550 dollars instead of 200. My leg is hurting for reasons I’m not quite sure of. I’m gonna have to wake up with my brother again tomorrow and imma be yelled at for some unknown reason. The general public at school doesnt know when they should just impale themselves. God damn fuck the world. I hate this shit