Thursday, March 22, 2007

Life Through My Eyes: Pain

I've come to ask myself a major question. Why do I feel so much pain? The everyday activities of normal people disgust me, and the personalities of peers, even some of the friends I cherish insanely much, drive me insane. What is keeping me from just acceptance, from peace? Is there something inside of me that just doesn't want to be happy? Does it believe that this depression is a part of my personality? When one problem ends, another one arises, and instead of steering clear, I tackle, and often fall to dust on impact. All the emotion related, and stress related, and even physical (ugh, someone I despise very much, right now, just signed on) pain keep coming, and am I doing anything to stop it.
Until a VERY smart person (lol, its only noah) told me I should show my toe to the school nurse, I had just planned on fighting through it. Fighting through the ever increasing agony of walking to school, and fighting through the fear whatever the fuck is wrong with it. For this part, there IS something I know. There is a reason I never made a huge deal about it. It was validating. Knowing that there was this constant pain on me, and me being able to get through it, not a single complaint (well, some complaints, but none of them are actually serious). In my mind, it separated me from the "too weak to do anything" image of me I had created for myself.
I do that because I hate weakness. A lot. People who stay home because they are slightly sick, who don't do homework because they don't want to, who go to the nurse because something is hurting them ever so insignificantly. It disgusts me. The embodiment of all these things, Becky. God damn it fuck her to hell I swear to god.
Back on topic, it's just amazing how...I guess, just how I function. The need to give myself a challenge to overcome. Honestly, sometimes I stay up late just to see myself struggle through my early mornings, and rein victorious over the menial task. How entirely independant I force myself to be just to know I am good. I am strong. I am worth the air I breathe, the space I occupy. To know I am worth something.

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